bloom.

i wish i had time to write down all the ways that God has touched me this past wk & all the things that He's taught me. i've grown so incredibly much these past 7 days. i literally feel my character developing and getting stronger, as well as my relationship with God. it's an incredibly....satisfying feeling. and it leaves me in awe. He's also revealed Himself to me in ways that He never has before. i'm finding that God is beyond my comprehension. He's not the God that i've created Him to be. He's much much more.

i wish i could record them so that i don't forget. but i have no time. i'm racing the clock to finish my huge load of hmwk this wknd. :(

maybe i'll jot down a few notes so that i can remember & elaborate later.

+ sylvia, jordan, ken's txt

+ talk w/ craig

+ realization about being easily swayed

+ stranger on thursday

+ enough energy

+ i am only as inhibited as i perceive myself to be

+ internship w/ craig

k time to go write those papers! have no time to waste!!

JOY.

today has seriously been one of the best days that i've had in a while.

& it's so weird bc i've been swamped/stressed w/ catching up on make-up hmwk from JR/SR BC. i literally have SO MUCH to do this wk. i would list out everything so that you could understand, but i can't spend much time on here. i'm just taking a few-minute break before hitting the books again.

somehow, despite that, today has been one of my joyful-est (not happiest..happiness & joy are 2 different things) days in such a long time. God, thanks for coming through for me...for pursuing me with a relentless passion & reminding me how great Your love is for me. :)

+ ken's text

+ syliva's text

+ jordan's text

+ talk w/ craig

+ recently installed mint choco. ice cream at the caf.

+ actually good food for lunch AND dinner today

+ manda's text

+ talk w/ megan

+ talk w/ heibs

+ acknowledgement from rubio

+ chem help session

+ new-found effective studying habits for d.psych

+ steven's video text

so this is what living life abundantly feels like, huh? :)

thank you, Daddy.

i love you back. :)

love, ashleemegan.

battle.

God, i don't want to battle you.

but it sure feels like i am.

*sigh*

please, Daddy..

don't ask me to.

don't ask me to do it.

i know i said that i'd do whatever You'd want me to.

i know i said that You could take me places, and that i would follow.

but, Lord..

please.

anything but this.

i'm begging You.

an encounter with the past.

i just went on myspace...for the first time in MONTHS.

i think the last time i logged on was this past summer.

i was looking for kaitlin pham's profile.

(*btw, PLEASE pray for her & her family. i say that with the utmost urgency.)

couldn't find her profile, cause i couldn't actually log in. i had to use my brother's account.

but went to my page & read some of my comments from the past.

wow.

trip down memory lane, that's all i can say.

brought back some good memories.

or rather...bittersweet is a better word.

brother. :)

literally 30 seconds after i made that last post,

i got a txt from my brother:

"oh thank u sooo much sister. i love you soooo much. i could never have asked for a better sister EVER. everyone knows u at school bc u are sooo COOL B-). anyway thanks so much sister. i cant really say how happy i am about u being my sister but i'm not good at expressing words. and if i would try i would sound like a girl. soooo..

dear Daddy thank u for the mostest bestest most awesomest sister in the whole universe. i know i never deserved such an amazing gift from heaven as my own sister! i love her soo much. thank u for putting her in my life and for making her such a good example to me. amen."

what did heiba say about [love craves]?

that it can distract us from the love that's already being shown to us.

& what did i just say about God's timing?

oh yeah.

that it's perfect. :)

dear Big Guy Upstairs,

thank you.

i love you.

goodnight.

sometimes, i get like this.

i don't understand why i'm not...?

this sounds so bad, but i'm not used to this.

why do all these other girls..? but not me?

but...i guess God's timing is perfect.

never too early, never too late.

so it's a waste to be like this, right?

right. :)

PLEASE.

God!!!!

what do You want from me??????

seriously????????

can You please just let me go????????

i don't want to be here anymore...

my hopes got up so high...i really started to love the idea of Andrews....i've been advocating it...i've spent hours researching it....it's all i've been thinking about.

why would mike say that to me tonight??????

PLEASE let me go to andrews...i'm begging You!!!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't ask me to stay here anymore.

pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let that message be for me.

pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

thinking, thinking, thinking.

making college decisions all over again.

LSU has been WONDERFUL. i actually really enjoyed this last quarter & i'm excited for the next one to start tomorrow! i'm ready. :)) the only thing i'm loathing is packing, unpacking, getting ready for tomorrow. but aside from that, i want to go to class...especially d psych. i can't wait for that!! :))

you know, i've been praying so much about my future career, & God gave me the strongest impression to go into medicine, so i'm hitting my studies hard & w/ a strong motivation to succeed & glorify God along the way. i've been shadowing different doctors to be exposed, talk to people, and see where God leads me. so far, i've shadowed 1) different PTs at east campus (that was this summer..not really thinking about PT anymore) 2) uncle iwan, internal medicine 3) auntie angie, pediatrician 4) uncle wilfred, HIV specialist. i was supposed to shadow auntie helen, an ENT doctor, but i got sick the only day she was working & wasn't able to shadow her. :(

there are so many questions that i need to have answered in order to make my decision on what i want to be...but i suppose i have quite a bit of time, so i'm not worried about that. :)

the thing that i've been thinking about the most, though, is which school i'm going to go to next year. i have a full ride at LSU...why in the world would i want to leave that, you may ask. finances is such a huge thing. my mom was over the moon for MONTHS when she found out. it means a lOT to her that she & my dad only have to pay for room & board + textbooks.

but, you know..ah, how do i explain this? when i made my decision to go to PUC last year, i had the STRONGEST feeling that i wasn't going to go there. i tried to shove it in the back of my mind bc i wanted to go to PUC so badly...but, i gave it up to God, and, look where i am now. i'm not at PUC.

well a couple of weeks ago, i got that same tug at my heart, except about LSU. i really don't think that LSU will be good for me next year. it's been WONDERFUL for me this year, don't misunderstand. God truly did place me here for this time and for this purpose, & i've loved & appreciated every second. i've been so happy, i've met wonderful people, i've learned a lot (especially from my wonderful roommate)...things have genuinely been great. :) but that doesn't mean that next year LSU will do the same for me. i have the strongest feeling that it's going to be andrews....but i'm not sure yet. i really want to go out there & visit it for myself.

talking to steven & doing research about andrews myself has done a lot in convincing me to go there. from what i see & hear, they have excellent programs, especially in the arts department. i researched schools to see where i could get a minor in photography bc LSU doesn't offer it. they only have 1 photography class. -________- so i looked up southern, PUC, andrews, & walla walla. (southwestern & union are out of the question.) PUC only offers a major in photography, not a minor (unless i'm mistaken, but i did double-check), & i don't wish to major in photography. southern offers a minor, but their emphasis is in photojournalism, which i don't want. i want one in portraits. that leaves me to andrews & walla walla. i looked at both the curriculum sheets, & both offer really good classes that i would be excited, but do you REALLY think i'd go to walla walla???? no offense to anyone up there (& i really mean that), but heck naw. i'm not a walla walla person at all, which leaves me with andrews.

i do, however, have a few concerns/reservations:

1) God, do you REALLY want me to minor in photography? i'm not sure yet...it just crossed my mind. i actually really want to minor in psych. is it possible to double-minor? will that be good for me? what do You want?

2) i'm a so-cal girl. by that, i mean that i get cold in CA. one day i walked into class shivering a little bit & my teacher said "you've lived in so-Cal your whole life, huh?" if i get cold in CA, how in the world am i going to survive in michigan??? where there are BLIZZARDS??? i've never seen a blizzard in my LIFE. shoot, i don't remember the last time i've seen 2 ft of snow. -______-

the only thing that gives me a glimpse of hope is the fact that steven was a so-cal AND a florida boy..& he's surviving out there. so...idk. maybe i'll be able to also? =/

3) if i do end up going there, how much am i going to have to pay? am i going to be able to get scholarships? can they work with me so that my savings won't be sucked out & i won't have to take a lot of loans? finances is a big issue right now.

4) this really isn't a big deal...i can easily adapt..but andrews is on a semester system. i really want to stick to quarter system bc i can take a lot more classes & things are more fast-paced. courses are only 10 weeks, opposed to several months.

idk...i'm still thinking. nothing is set in stone. the thing that i want the most is to visit andrews for myself & see what it's like over there. i want to meet & talk to people over there, especially professors, financial aid people, deans...idk, whoever. i need to figure out a time when i can do that. spring break, possibly? summer i'm going on the medical mission trip for 2 weeks & i want to try & do summer school, so i probably won't have much time to go during the summer. & andrews starts earlier than everyone else, so summer really isn't a good time. spring break would probably be the best.

*sigh* idk God. it's a lot to think about. idk where You're leading. please give me answers. :(

yadda yadda yadda.

a new years blog seems kind of cliche to me, so this won't be very long.

the most that i'll say about 2009 is that it was a year of ups & downs.

a lot of happiness, a lot of sadness, a lot of learning...

a lot of inspiration, numerous revelations, & personal discoveries too. :)

i enter 2010 with maturity and wisdom acquired from the past 365 days, & a better picture of who God is and how He's going to use my life. it's an exciting prospect, really. :)

so as the year 2010 starts, with the first two hours already passed, i look upon the paths that are before me. some look heartbreaking, some look saddening. others look exciting and inviting. yes, i'm nervous, and yes, i feel a certain apprehension, but I don't stand alone, so I embrace the challenge.

i'm ready, God.

let's go.