spring break overview.

+ last friday: group dinner at steven's.

+ sabbath: Re:Live + thai bowl + LL area + orange picking + photo opp's + more thai food (surprise party) + plane trip.

+ sunday - wednesday: andrews. :)

+ thursday: photo shoot in hollywood + santa monica.

+ friday: day w/ the ohana = surfer joe's + escondido + chinatown (GOOD chinese food & GOOD boba! mmm!)

+ sabbath: Re:Live + church w/ long-time-no-see friends + drama practice + dress fitting + nap + all-you-can-eat-sushi w/ family friends + shootin' hoops + parasols that i've been waiting for + UP with the fam bam.

it's been a good week. :)

thank you, Father.

before every photo shoot.

Dear Daddy,

As I go on this photo shoot, I pray that you will please get the creative juices flowing. Point out things to my eye that I normally wouldn’t see, whether it’s finding a great photo spot or noticing minor distracting details. Give me precision and clarity. Most of all, Father, may the pictures that I’m about to take honor and glorify Your name. May people see what’s produced and praise YOU, my Father in heaven. Please accompany me on this trip and use my hands and my eyes--take the pictures for me. I am merely your tool. I love you so much.

Amen.

post-andrews.

i'm currently in the salt lake city airport. i love free wi-fi! :)

i've been reflecting a lot during my plane rides & 4-hr lay-overs.

(steven, you're right. delta DOES have ugly lay-overs.

-_________-

southwest next time for SURE.)

i honestly want SO badly to attend andrews in the fall. i can't even tell you how much i want to.

when i first arrived at andrews for check-in, they gave me Focus, which is their school's magazine & they gave me a welcomer's magazine that lists interesting places in south Michigan. i've been reading both of those things through and through. i normally don't read all of the articles in magazines...i usually just flip through, read the short, interesting articles, and look at the pictures. i'm more visually appealed than i am through reading.

but guess what? i read EVERY single article in Focus. like i normally do, i flipped through the magazine, reading the short, interesting things first, but then i went back and i read all of the articles that i missed...even the ones that would've normally looked boring to me. i can't get enough of it. i love the school so much that i hang on everything that's related to it. isn't that weird? i've never done that before, and i know it's a little bit crazy...but that just goes to show how much i want to go there in a few months when fall semester starts.

i had a conversation w/ God on one of the planes. i'm practically begging Him to somehow change my parents' mind so that they'll let me go in the fall, even though i don't have a full ride there OR that He'll somehow come through and provide more financial help.

but...idk. i feel like my prayers have been so selfish. i mean, i keep on saying that i want to be wherever He puts me and that i trust that He knows what's best for me...but at the same time, i'm really hoping that His best for me is to go to andrews in the fall. i know that i'll end up there, if not this fall then the fall after, but i don't want to wait. i want to be there now. (er...you know what i mean.) i honestly don't think that i can be at LSU for another year. while it's not a bad school, it lacks so much of what i want...1) both of my programs (nutrition science + photo) 2) student community (everyone's stuck out there in berrien springs) 3) strong student life (they have a lOT going on all of the time!) 4) strong spiritual life (repeat of what i said for #3)

honestly? it's exactly what i want in a college.

and as an extra plus, i have a bunch of connections there. i made a lot of new friends and touched based w/ people that i haven't seen in a while. i felt so at home.

true, there are downsides that i didn't mention...1) cold/a prolonged winter like i've never experienced before 2) homesick-ness. (i can prob. only come home for winter & summer breaks)

*sigh*

Daddy, You know my heart. You understand just HOW much i want to go there in the fall. i'm exhausted of telling you all the time. but Daddy, as much as i want my way, please help me to constantly surrender my dreams to You...to trust in You...to not panic/push my agenda...to not manipulate You or others.

this is my heart. this is how much i want to go to Andrews, but also how much i want to honor and please You.

unwrap my fingers one-by-one that are clinging so tightly to what i want until they're completely in Your hands. give me peace. give me patience. teach me to be still and to wait on You.

undo this knot inside my chest every time i think of the possibility of me attending LSU in the fall and replace it with a desire to honor You.

please be patient with me. :(

michigan.

uggggh. i think i'm becoming a work-a-holic.

i have absolutely no obligations right now & it's making me panic. i'm so used to always having something to do, a task to accomplish.

but i have none whatsoever.

& it honestly doesn't feel right.

this is really bad. =/

so i'm currently lying on a bed in the guest room at lamson hall at andrews university....doing nothing. bc i actually have nothing to do...

anways, it blows my mind that i'm actually here! after so much waiting, planning, thinking...i'm ACTUALLY here. this campus honestly renders me speechless. steven gave me a short tour (not even of everything) & i got so overwhelmed. this is an INCREDIBLE school, no joke. as much as i'm afraid of coming here next year (i'm scared of being super homesick =/) i really want to come here for the next 3 years. that's up to God, but He knows where I stand.

here's a short synopsis of what's happened so far:

+ flight to atlanta got delayed 2 hours.

+ didn't sleep much. =/

+ found a really nice breakfast place in the atlanta airport that made up for all of the waiting & unfriendly people.

+ got to sit first class on the flight from atlanta to chicago!

+ saw andres at the airport.

+ met steven's ohana. (it was funny meeting his cousins in person! i've always seen them in picture or video. actually meeting them in person was so bizarre!)

+ ate an early dinner at their house. (auntie & uncle, thank you for being so incredibly hospitable!!)

+ mini campus tour.

+ meeting up w/ people (roan + raymundo...whom i haven't seen in YEARS).

& now i'm about to shower then possibly nap. or actually go to sleep.

have a semi-long day tomorrow full of tours, appointments, meeting people, etc.

we'll see how everything goes! i'm excited! :))

*sharp exhale.

after a grueling 10 weeks,

winter quarter is officially over.

wow.

that feels good.

time to go take an hour nap before drama practice!

then it's packing time and HOOOOMMMMEEE.

:D x100.

T-R-U-S-T.

trust in the Lord with ALL your heart.

lean not on your own understanding.

in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM

and HE will direct your paths.

waiting on God, trusting in Him, and trusting that He knows what's best for me (even though it may not be what i want for myself) has come up SO many times lately...i don't even know how to tell you.

...

i have a feeling that i won't be going to andrews next year.

& that thought makes me panic a little bit. i really want to get my pre-reqs done as soon as i can. but the thing is that it seems like a lot of the university study requirements here won't transfer, such as the religion classes, history classes, etc. i don't want to cram all of my pre-reqs during my junior & senior year. i wanna be able to focus on my major & minor classes. plus i'm gonna have to be studying for my MCATs during that time. i don't wanna be bothered w/ pre-reqs.

but then, i remind myself that panicking means that i'm NOT trusting. i don't trust that God knows what He's doing and that He doesn't have my absolute best interest in mind. panicking & fretting is a temptation that satan uses to break me down & lead me astray.

plus, my dad always tells me that i don't have to finish college in 4 years. it won't be the end of the world.

*sigh* i know that, but with my personality and the way that i am, i like to get things done. i like to get things accomplished. i don't like it when things are lingering over my head. i don't wanna have to stay here at LSU for a whole other year, not being able to take care of my major, minor, or UNIV requirements. =/

plus, i don't think my body can stand another year of the caf. food here.

my mom suggested getting an apartment, but i really don't want to do that. dorm life is honestly what MAKES college. it's not only convenient (i can come back to the room & squeeze in naps if i didn't get enough sleep last night, i can grab a snack real quick, i can leave all of my books in the room instead of taking them everywhere, i can grab a jacket if it's cold, etc.) but the relationships that i have are because i've been at the dorm. heiba & i often have late-night talks or i can just walk down the hall & go to amanda's room & talk to her. i would never want to give up dorm life...but the thing is, if i dorm, i HAVE to eat the caf. food.

dang it.

trusting God is hard. :(

unwind.

after the day i had today,

(actually, more like 2 days)

i really should be sleeping.

you don't even understand how hard i studied for d.psych

& how much sleep i sacrificed for that class.

you don't EVEN understand.

i thought about telling you just how much i've been studying for this final,

but i decided to spare you the details.

but now....that class is officially over.

:)))

so even though i should be sleeping,

i really wanted to look at the photos from this past sabbath.

photographs seriously "recharge" my battery.

i have so many ideas for making storyboards on this album!

it's nothing special,

but wanna look at a few of the pictures w/ me?

you should be proud of me! i only edited 2 of the pictures!

one of them is pretty obvious,

but for the other one, the only thing that i did was up the contrast.

(it's the picture w/ the photo trick...you'll see it).

the rest of them are completely unedited.

(which is unheard of for me..ha!)

actually, before we do that,

wanna pray w/ me real quick?

Dear Daddy,

thank you so much for giving me enough energy to last today.

i've never had to take 2 finals & last a long day like this on only 3 hours of sleep.

thank you for coming through for me, for recharging my battery, & keeping me going.

please be with us as we look at these pictures,

as we gaze in awe and wonder at how beautiful You truly are.

we love You so much.

amen.

death by finals.

yeterday: chem quiz over chapter 14 = death.

today: chem test over chapter 13 + 14 = DEATH x2.

next monday: d.psych (the final that i'm most worried about) = DEATH x3.

next wednesday: chem final over 8-14 = DEATH x4.

plus an additional 2 finals, next week,

but w/e.

i already have enough to worry about.

QWEPROIJQWPEORJ.

so.....between now & the end of finals week,

i'll have died 4 times.

wow, that's quite a record!

i didn't know i could do that!

saturday night + sunday = i seriously won't be living. i'll be locked away in a dungeon studying for 17.5 chapters of d.psych.

the world seriously chose the WORST weekend to have daylight savings time.

as if i'm already not getting enough sleep, america wants us to "spring" our clocks forward, making me lose yet another hour of sleep that i desperately need.

....

oh well.

that's enough ranting, i suppose.

gotta go start studying.

+ maybe take an hour nap before a 2-hr rehearsal.

hey,

wanna come to my funeral?

i'd appreciate it if you were there.

thanks, bye.

morning jump start.

mmm. :)

GOOOD MORNING!

woke up at 6:50am this morning!

was gonna go for a short jog around campus then come back to the dorm & start hmwk.

uhhh...change of plans. x]

every time i got out for a walk,

i beat myself up for not taking my camera w/ me.

so i took keeka + tPDL out w/ me today

& instead of a short jog around campus,

i went to my favorite worship spot.

on the way to my favorite worship spot,

i kept on seeing all of these perfect picture spots.

it's like they were BEGGING me to take pictures of them!

me, being the nice person that i am, complied to their wishes.

how could i leave those poor, helpless pictures spots out in the cold???

any warm-blooded person wouldn't have the heart to neglect them.

:))

teehee.

that already was worship for me.

no one else was on campus.

just me, God, + keeka.

we spent some good quality time together. :)

it got kinda cold/windy, so i didn't stay out there very long.

i came back to the room, filled my stomach with a GOOD breakfast, & finished my worship.

i haven't done any hmwk yet,

but i had an amazing & productive morning already.

today's going to be a good day today. :)

*listen in to something that helped start my day.

if you like gospel like i do,

you'll love this.

:)

have a WONDERFUL day today, everyone!

nature's perfume.

i love walking to my dorm at night.

for some reason, it's only in the evenings,

but there's a very strong fragrance of the sweetest roses i've ever smelled.

i don't even remember roses being around angwin hall.

but, oh man, whenever i walk from the library, HMA, or MICOL to angwin late at night,

i smell it.

and it's one of the most beautiful things to ever enter my nostrils. :)

*next to the smell of plumerias, gardenias, + home-baked goods. :)

thank you, God, for my sense of smell

and for the ability to appreciate nature's perfume.

You're amazing.

going to sleep early tonight!

my goal is 10:30pm.

i'll just wake up early to do more hmwk.

i'm BEAT.

g'night world.

hope you had a wonderful day today!

sleep tight!

*hug*

week 3.

+ limited sweets (none from the caf.)

+ limited cheese foods (only 2 this week, & make sure that it's not cheddar. one of them can be cottage cheese)

+ no fb until next monday after finals for the day are over

+ no white bread

+ no eating past 8 pm

ready?

let's go.

week 3, i will conquer you!

to whomever is reading this:

may the Lord whom I love so much

grant You

peace,

sweet dreams,

and rest

as you lay your head down

tonight to sleep.

goodnight!

i love you!

*hug*

cringe.

this is harder than i thought.

=/

day 26 + 27.

temptations.

ever since my conversation w/ maribel & megan at TGIF on thursday night and day 26 + 27 in tPDL, i've been realizing more & more how the devil infiltrates my mind & thoughts through the things that i listen to. i don't watch TV & i haven't seen a movie in a while, but vision is another powerful entry way to influence my mind.

because of that realization, i've been extra cautious in protecting my mind against things that i don't want in it. i don't listen to the same music that i used to. instead, i swapped it with music that is beneficial to me. i'm planning to run through my itunes library soon & filter through what's good for me and what isn't.

my mind is such a vulnerable thing and i need to take every precaution that i can to keep it safe. it's my most valuable asset. rick warren said something to the effect that our mind is our most important spiritual organ.

this morning, my mom was watching the news & told me that last night in hollywood, they were offering a special: $45 for the 10 movies that we were nominated for academy awards. my first reaction was: "!!! i wish i could've gone to that! $45 for 10 movies???? what an incredible deal!!" (ehem...the chinese part of me. x])

but then this thought came into my head: if most of those movies were trash anyways, why in the world would i want to fill my mind with that? why in the world would i voluntarily choose to waste $45 + 20 hours of my life? that money & time could've gone towards saving for a mission trip!

so in sum:

oh be careful little eyes what you see,

oh be careful little eyes what you see,

for the Father up above

is looking down in love.

oh be careful little eyes what you see.

oh be careful little ears what you hear,

oh be careful little ears what you hear,

for the Father up above

is looking down in love

oh be careful little ears what you hear.

the ___________ person.

in my d. psych book, they were talking about vocations & different personalities.

here are the ones that they listed:

+ the investigative person:

enjoys working with ideas, is likely to select a scientific occupation (for example, anthropologist, physicist, or engineer)

+ the social person:

likes interacting with people, gravitates toward human services (counseling, social work, or teaching).

+ the realistic person:

prefers real-world problems and working with objects, tends to choose a mechanical occupation (construction, plumbing, or surveying)

+ the artistic person:

is emotional & high in need for individual expression, looks toward an artistic field (writing, music, or the visual arts)

+ the conventional person:

likes well-structured tasks and values material possessions & social status, has traits well-suited to certain business fields (accounting, banking, or quality control)

+ the enterprising person:

is adventurous, persuasive, and a strong leader, is drawn to sales & supervisory positions or to politics

my personality most highly correlates with the social person & the artistic person.

which one are you?

misrepresentation.

if you're going to consistently act like that,

i wish you wouldn't call yourself a Christian.

people who say that they're going to die to themselves

& take on the life of Christ don't go out of their way

to do the things that you're doing,

say the things that you say,

or involve themselves in the things that you're involved with.

:(

save me from myself.

fullspeedaheadkeepyoureyesfocusedpushyourselfnothardenough.

*skiiiiirrr*

slow me down, Lord.

thanks for telling heiba to speak to me. no one has ever said anything to me. i just signed up for all of those classes, said yes to everything, got a job, agreed to do this, agreed to do that...

i really need to lessen my load next quarter. i need to drop a class or replace it with a less time-demanding one because i’m running myself to the ground. i’ve been pushing myself, pushing myself, pushing myself...

to get good grades, to do more, to get involved more

etc. etc. etc.

because i can.

or at least i thought i could.

i need to change my expectations on myself.

i’ve been really harsh on myself,

& i’ve been beating myself up:

i need to get involved more.

i need to do more of this.

i need to do more of that.

ashlee you can’t handle this??

you should be able to!

in fact, you should be able to handle even more than this.

medical school’s going to be worse than this.

but no.

i need to slow down.

Lord thank you for reminding me that satan knows me all too well. he knows my weaknesses and he knows how to hit me the most w/o me expecting it.

this quarter has run me to the ground at times.

weekends are no longer filled with rest.

they’ve been replaced with

homework, study, papers, and more studying.

my sleep patterns have been severely affected.

i haven’t been getting sleep at night.

rather, it’s been more of sporadic naps during the night

& in the daytime if i can sneak them in.

i get headaches and my eyes hurt because i’m so tired.

i thought that that was normal.

i mean,

i’m in college now, and i need to start preparing myself

because it’ll be worse than this in medical school.

but sometimes my spiritual life is affected.

thankfully, the Purpose Driven Life has motivated me to read something everyday & keep up with it.

God has spoken to me through that book so many times.

but if it wasn’t for that,

my spiritual life would be down the drain.

school is important.

my dreams & goals are important,

yes.

but if busy-ness causes

my relationship with God & my health

to be compromised,

is it worth it?

my dad told me the other week that if i can’t handle it,

i don’t need to push myself so hard.

i don’t have to finish college in 4 years.

the world will not come to in end if i do it in 5.

i can take a year or half a year off & do mission work to get a break from school if i want.

when he told me that,

it kind of seemed appealing,

but part of me was like,

“no, i gotta work hard. keep my eyes on the goal.

stay motivated. finish school as soon as you can.”

when i get up in the morning,

i pray for God to give me energy so that i can

do well in my classes,

appreciate and learn the information,

& better serve Him.

and you know what?

when i ask God for help,

He supplies it.

i haven’t been falling asleep in classes.

i somehow manage to get through my week.

but yes,

i am VERY tired.

from the way i have it set up now,

next quarter is so much busier than this quarter.

& this quarter was already pretty...yeahhh...

maybe i should slow down a little bit.

maybe i shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

you think?

*ps. to smd:

i’m proud of you for working so hard & wanting to do so many things. but please don’t run yourself to the ground either. ik you’re capable of doing a lot of things at the same time & ik that you like to keep busy, but don’t ever make yourself to be too busy for Him, k? remember what the PDL said? sometimes God asks us to cut out even the good things in our life bc they take time away from Him. let’s not make that mistake & let satan get us where he knows we won’t even suspect him. keeping ourselves busy is good, but busyness never is.

lent.

so i'm not really going according to lent's REAL 40-day calendar..

but that's okay. i can set my own goals & sacrifices. :)

i'm giving up something different each week, and i want to do it for..

hmmm...let me set a goal for 10 weeks.

& if i mess up, i have to extend my "fast" for that thing another day.

week 1: no sweetened pastries, candy, chocolate.

week 2: limited sweets (only 2 this week), no cheese (gonna be SUPER HARD because of the kind of food that the caf serves. -________-), and no facebook.

week 3: what shall i do?

going to orange county performing arts center tonight!

fieldtrip for my honors arts class. :)

we're gonna see the Alvin Ailey dance company perform.

saw a sneak preview in class.

we'll see how it goes.

oh & john williams concert on the 13th (next saturday night)

...also for my honors class.

SO EXCITED FOR THAT. :))

john williams = my hero. :)

k well i have to go back to studying for my most FAVORITEST class in the world:

D. PSYCH!!!

i was up til 1:15 am last night just studying for one chapter.

-_____________-

oh yeah, & guess where i am right now?

my second home: the library.

i've only spent my whole life here for the past few weeks it seems.

-_____________-

college consumes my life.

oh well! it's good for me.

if i wasn't studying, i'd be wasting my life, doing unproductive things.

too bad it takes away from things that i really wanna do...like photoshop. i have so many projects in my head but i don't have time for them. :(

okay, enough writing.

back to the books!

have a wonderful rest of the day everyone. :)

*hug*

medicine.

today i signed up for another class that puts me at 18 units.

the class is Intro to Medicine.

it’s a 2-unit class that meets every thursday from 7-9pm.

i’m really glad that i’m taking it.

in the class, we’re gonna learn about the different specialties in medicine & they’re requiring us to do a certain number of hours job shadowing. perfect! that’s just what i’ve been wanting to do! i can start my rotations early! :)

you know,

sometimes I’m SO motivated to be in medicine.

I plan things out.

I pay attention in class.

I work really hard for good grades.

I tell myself, “Ashlee, you CAN do it. you are capable.”

and of course, i find my strength in the Big Guy Upstairs.

i feel His call to be a doctor.

(if you want a full explanation, i can tell you later. :))

but you know,

other times,

I get super overwhelmed.

like the MCAT?

someone’s sitting next to me studying for the nursing test right now.

and I’m stressed out over that.

how foolish is that?

I’m not even taking that test,

but I can imagine what it’s like

and it stresses me out.

next quarter i have to take the ACS for chemistry.

that’s already making me nervous.

the MCAT is over

chemistry,

organic chemistry,

biology,

and physics.

that’s 4x the studying/stress of the ACS.

a lot of my nursing friends are only in an undergrad college for 2 years

then they transfer to LLU

& go to school for another 2 or 2.5 years.

then they can start working.

i’m gonna have to be in college for 4 years.

then 4 years of medical school.

then 4+ years of residency,

depending on what i’m going to be going into.

& what if i take a year off? or half a year off to do mission work during my undergrad?

cause i have a feeling i’m going to be burned out from college sometime along the way

and i’m going to need a breather.

cause once you’re in medical school, you won’t have that.

so that means that it’ll take me even longer than 16 years.

ohmygosh.

16 years.

that’s over half of my lifetime right now.

my mind is so jumbled + overwhelmed.

*sigh* so many things to think about.

MJ: the king of pop.

i truly do pity him.

but actually...

it's more than pity.

it's this deep sense of hurt and pain for him.

i'm not even going in-depth into his statistics,

but here are a few:

he revolutionized the music industry.

he had numerous top-charters.

he broke the record by winning 8 Grammys.

EIGHT.

someone commented that R. Kelly, Usher, and JT used his album like a textbook.

his dance moves are unmet by anyone.

he is, essentially, a LEGEND.

he appeared to be so successful.

and yet.

he never got to have a childhood.

because of his amazing & obvious talent,

his parents pushed and pushed and pushed.

his dad, Joseph, had an affair with a woman 20 years younger than him.

they even had a secret child.

when MJ found out, it exacerbated the anger and pain he felt towards his father.

he couldn't talk to him for years.

on the outside,

it appears that Jackson had everything that everyone wanted.

fame, fortune, prestige, awards.

but was he really?

Jackson once said:

"Even at home, I'm lonely. I sit in my room sometimes and cry. It's so hard to make friends ... I sometimes walk around the neighborhood at night, just hoping to find someone to talk to. But I just end up coming home."

"i don't wanna gain the whole world,

and lose my soul."

-Toby Mac

Lord,

have mercy on his soul.