humbled.

got kind of discouraged tonight while completing our assignment for mHOUSE. we were supposed to find 2-3 of our best pictures in 4 different categories. i was looking through my previous photoshoots and, as i was flipping through the different shoots, i was overcome with an unexpected emotion. those photographs that i was once so proud of depressed me. i saw so many things that i should have done different...post-processing mistakes, composition flaws, ugly lighting, mis-focusing my subjects (ever since i started using the 50 mm, i've been super sensitive to having things properly focused...i hate it when i don't get it right and something is out-of-focus.) i remember being so pleased with certain shots, but as i looked back on them, i was actually embarrassed of them. i actually felt sorry for the people that i had to give those pictures to & that they had to look at them. i felt foolish for ever putting them online so that others could see. i wanted to delete all of the folders so that no one would ever see them again, including me. it was like a giant pimple that i was desperately trying to hide and cover up before anyone saw it. it was a real blow to my self-esteem, and i didn't expect to feel that. i had to talk to my mom about it because it made me so sad. =/

after talking to her for a while and talking to God in a while, i felt a little better. but it took a while. after my two conversations, i came to the conclusion that i don't have to be depressed or embarrassed by those photographs. rather, they can serve as humble reminders. in addition to that, it's also a sign that i've come a long way and that i've learned a lot. my mom tried to make me feel better by telling me that she's proud of me...that i haven't done too bad for someone who's never taken a photography class. that only made me half-smile. i know of a professional photographer who never took a photo class. he was actually an architect til he picked up a camera, started shooting, and realized that he wasn't too bad at it. rules of composition, art, etc. that he learned in architecture school, he now applied to photography. and he's GOOD.

while looking up other photographers' blogs, i came across another photographer who i really liked and was stunned when i read on her bio page that she has never taken a photography class.

it made me feel so....little. so...insignificant. again, so embarrassed and foolish for ever thinking that i was "good."

peter & i talked about this yesterday...there's so much danger in comparing. it takes a great toll on me, personally, but i do it without even realizing it. =/ i need to learn to stop. i need to focus on MY skills, how I can get better. i don't need to worry about anyone else. and i must never lose sight of my goal to honor and glorify God with my photographs...or anything that i pursue for that matter.

peter & i also talked about how somethings the things that we love, the things that we're passionate about actually become burdens. i mentioned that i love photography, but sometimes it feels a chore. it loses its fun & my love for it dwindles. i definitely felt that tonight. & it's not the first time when i felt like giving up photography altogether. but then i realize that i would be crazy. idk, maybe i need a short break from it or something. =/

wow, this blog did not go where i was trying to go.

it was supposed to end on a happy note....a few paragraphs ago.

oh well. w/e. =/ it's late and i need to go to bed.

see you later, world.

photoshoots etc.

ohmyGOSH. i need to start out by saying that i am SO tired.

i've been sleeping late & waking up early.

ugh, it's this cycle again.

i really wanted to sleep at 10pm this week.

but i have so much to do.

& i'm not even in school!

man, this has GOT to be the BUSIEST summer i've ever had.

not that i'm complaining. it's been a really good summer.

i feel good about being productive.

i've been able to do a lot these past few months.

but i'm getting less sleep than i did during the school year.

i'm so tired...

-__________- zzzZZZ

w/e...anywayyyyssss.

you know what's funny? i've been to downtown redlands 4 times in the past 3 days. i hardly ever go there. but these past 3 days, i've been there 4 times. 1) craig's wedding (sunday) 2) sanga & alexa's bday shoot (monday) 3) redlands sewing (today) 4) peter's photoshoot w/ genmai (today)

i feel really familiar w/ the streets there now. x]

had a good time w/ sanga & alexa yesterday. spent the afternoon doing their photoshoot, went to LLA for alexa's volleyball practice, then ate dinner at their house w/ their family. got to know alexa's parents a little better, which was really nice. x]

i don't think i've really mentioned this to anyone before, but i really like spending time with people's families. i like meeting my friends' parents and siblings, and spending time w/ them. it's like i've been let into another world other than my own. i feel like i've been accepted into a special...belonging? idk how to describe it. but it's a warm feeling. :) i get to see the more personal and intimate interactions between my friends and their family members. you know who a person is when they're around their family because they've been with those people ever since they were born. you can't say that about many other people. you're just so much more natural, so much more yourself when you're with family.

i have really good memories hanging out with my friends' families.

...dinner and watching the bachelor pad with the fraziers,

...PUC road trip with the imais & lunch with auntie dee, elissa, & brianna while shadowing at CHLA,

...birthday parties with the peacocks and meeting ambyr's grandparents after night swimming in their pool,

...washing dishes & cleaning up after jon jon's bday party with the debulgados and snowboarding w/ all of the debulgado boys,

...cooking and eating with the mins,

...shopping at south coast plaza with the angeleses,

...house parties with the hutauruks,

...baking at the oshiros,

...dinner at the vassantacharts,

and the list goes on.

those are all really special memories for me. :)

anyways, moving on to today...

peter's been teaching me the drums this summer (when we can fit in lessons with our busy schedules!). when he asked me to take pictures of him & his dog, of course i said yes! it goes without saying that i enjoy taking pictures, but this photoshoot is also a thank-you gift for his time, since he's not charging me for lessons.

we had such a good time this afternoon and evening. peter & his dog are seriously so cute, for lack of a better word. the interactions between a man and his dog are so....i can't say cute again. adorable? intriguing? heart-warming? all the above. i can't think of a single word that encompasses all of that. (let me know if you think of one!) but as i'm looking through the photos from the day, i can't help but smile. it's so cute how much peter cares about his dog. :)

i think that's why i love portraits so much, especially with more than one person. you can sense chemistry, fondness, affection, etc. by looking at a picture. it was a treat for me to witness the bond between peter and his dog today, as well as the cousin chemistry that sanga & alexa have. it's quite endearing. :)

also had a good talk w/ peter tonight. we went to open kitchen for dinner afterwards and enjoyed good food with a nice breeze outside. i always have good conversations with that kid. :)

oh SHOOT i spent way too much time blogging.

i have to get through another round of filtering pictures before i go to sleep. =/

aggh,

not enough HOURS in the day, i'm TELLING you!!

g'night world!

sleep well tonight.

may the God whom i love so much grant you AND your family peace, grace, and sweet dreams.

:)

love birds.

the hadley's wedding today was SO much fun. :)))

can't wait to put up pictures! i really enjoyed myself!

everything was beautiful, the program was creative, and the wedding was so atypical.

.....which, if you know craig hadley at all, is not surprising. :)

weddings are so much more meaningful when you're close to the people getting married. i was so into every single part of the wedding. not only because i've become really close to craig & kimi and i've met some of their families, but also because i've been "behind the scenes" with their wedding planning. i know how incredibly busy everybody has been planning for this weekend.

this past week, craig was on the phone non-stop finalizing things, making decision, talking to the wedding party, etc. when i'm in the office, i overhear numerous phone conversations about the wedding and craig always talks to me about how busy everything is but how EXCITED he is.

he constantly reminds me the number of days til the wedding..

"ash, 13 more days...13 more days ash til i'm a married man!

...can you believe it?? next sunday, is the big day!

...the days are counting down! 3 more days....3 more days, ash!!!"

and today was finally the day. :)

in a way, i feel like i've been apart of this wedding, and it made it all the more meaningful for me. :)

something that i loved from the homily was when pastor tim said that it wasn't just love that brought them together....God brought them together. that out of the billions of people on earth, he brought those two specific people together. and both craig and kimi nodded their head in agreement. that was extremely special to see and hear. it warmed my heart. :)

it's funny, because when kimi was younger, she swore that she would NEVER be a pastor's wife. hahah, funny how things work out. :)

craig & kimi hadley,

here's to you. :)

i love you both & wish you all the best and God's incredible blessings. :)

love,

ashlee.

ECSTATIC.

!!!!!!!!!!!!! :))))))))))))))

x123456789.

i learned how to watermark using lightroom!!!!!!!!

that seriously just made my life 100x easier!!!!!!!

i tried using iwatermark, the program that andrew recommended. but it doesn't like me for some reason. :( i've spent several hours trying to figure out the kinks and whatnot. my black watermark shows up fine. but for some reason, my white watermark has a white box behind it that shows up on the photo...& that just doesn't fly with me.

BUTTTTTTTTT!! i don't have to worry about that anymore!

because i figured out how to do it on lightroom. :)))))))))

i can sleep easy tonight.

*happy sigh.

i have so many photo projects i've going to work on.

i got even more inspired when i was looking at several photographers' blogs yesterday.

photography is such an art....it really is. it amazes & excites me! i love learning new things about it. and the exciting part is that i have so much to learn!

photo to do list:

+ watermark andi's photoshoot (which i need to do tonight so i can give it to her at church tomorrow).

+ sanga & alexa's birthday shoot on monday.

+ peter's photoshoot w/ genmai (his dog) on tuesday. (my first animal shoot! we'll see how that one goes. animals are so tricky cause they're constantly moving. they're not like humans, who can sit down, pose, and listen to your directions.)

+ blog-type collage of jj.

+ blog-type collage from fiddler on the roof night.

+ finish editing hawaii pictures.

+ craig & kimi's wedding events.

+ all of the misc. photos that i've taken in-btwn.

+ figure out photo decorations for my dorm room!

so much to do! not enough hours in the day!

i need to set aside a day where i can just work on photo stuff....solely photo stuff.

i also need to come up with money so that i can buy a 50 mm f/1.8. it's such a sweet lens.

anyways.....

Daddy,

thank you so much for things that i can be excited about. for things that get my creative juices flowing and for ways that i can express Your incredible creativity. i am nothing without You. my pictures are worthless without Your divine inspiration. thank You so much.

also, thank You for creating things that are worthy of capturing and photographing. it's amazing, the creativity that You have.

i love You, Daddy.

You're pretty much amazing. :)

amen.

*ps. thanks for helping me figure out how to watermark on lightroom! i am seriously so excited about that cause it's going to make my life so much easier!