save me from myself.

fullspeedaheadkeepyoureyesfocusedpushyourselfnothardenough.

*skiiiiirrr*

slow me down, Lord.

thanks for telling heiba to speak to me. no one has ever said anything to me. i just signed up for all of those classes, said yes to everything, got a job, agreed to do this, agreed to do that...

i really need to lessen my load next quarter. i need to drop a class or replace it with a less time-demanding one because i’m running myself to the ground. i’ve been pushing myself, pushing myself, pushing myself...

to get good grades, to do more, to get involved more

etc. etc. etc.

because i can.

or at least i thought i could.

i need to change my expectations on myself.

i’ve been really harsh on myself,

& i’ve been beating myself up:

i need to get involved more.

i need to do more of this.

i need to do more of that.

ashlee you can’t handle this??

you should be able to!

in fact, you should be able to handle even more than this.

medical school’s going to be worse than this.

but no.

i need to slow down.

Lord thank you for reminding me that satan knows me all too well. he knows my weaknesses and he knows how to hit me the most w/o me expecting it.

this quarter has run me to the ground at times.

weekends are no longer filled with rest.

they’ve been replaced with

homework, study, papers, and more studying.

my sleep patterns have been severely affected.

i haven’t been getting sleep at night.

rather, it’s been more of sporadic naps during the night

& in the daytime if i can sneak them in.

i get headaches and my eyes hurt because i’m so tired.

i thought that that was normal.

i mean,

i’m in college now, and i need to start preparing myself

because it’ll be worse than this in medical school.

but sometimes my spiritual life is affected.

thankfully, the Purpose Driven Life has motivated me to read something everyday & keep up with it.

God has spoken to me through that book so many times.

but if it wasn’t for that,

my spiritual life would be down the drain.

school is important.

my dreams & goals are important,

yes.

but if busy-ness causes

my relationship with God & my health

to be compromised,

is it worth it?

my dad told me the other week that if i can’t handle it,

i don’t need to push myself so hard.

i don’t have to finish college in 4 years.

the world will not come to in end if i do it in 5.

i can take a year or half a year off & do mission work to get a break from school if i want.

when he told me that,

it kind of seemed appealing,

but part of me was like,

“no, i gotta work hard. keep my eyes on the goal.

stay motivated. finish school as soon as you can.”

when i get up in the morning,

i pray for God to give me energy so that i can

do well in my classes,

appreciate and learn the information,

& better serve Him.

and you know what?

when i ask God for help,

He supplies it.

i haven’t been falling asleep in classes.

i somehow manage to get through my week.

but yes,

i am VERY tired.

from the way i have it set up now,

next quarter is so much busier than this quarter.

& this quarter was already pretty...yeahhh...

maybe i should slow down a little bit.

maybe i shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

you think?

*ps. to smd:

i’m proud of you for working so hard & wanting to do so many things. but please don’t run yourself to the ground either. ik you’re capable of doing a lot of things at the same time & ik that you like to keep busy, but don’t ever make yourself to be too busy for Him, k? remember what the PDL said? sometimes God asks us to cut out even the good things in our life bc they take time away from Him. let’s not make that mistake & let satan get us where he knows we won’t even suspect him. keeping ourselves busy is good, but busyness never is.