humbled.

got kind of discouraged tonight while completing our assignment for mHOUSE. we were supposed to find 2-3 of our best pictures in 4 different categories. i was looking through my previous photoshoots and, as i was flipping through the different shoots, i was overcome with an unexpected emotion. those photographs that i was once so proud of depressed me. i saw so many things that i should have done different...post-processing mistakes, composition flaws, ugly lighting, mis-focusing my subjects (ever since i started using the 50 mm, i've been super sensitive to having things properly focused...i hate it when i don't get it right and something is out-of-focus.) i remember being so pleased with certain shots, but as i looked back on them, i was actually embarrassed of them. i actually felt sorry for the people that i had to give those pictures to & that they had to look at them. i felt foolish for ever putting them online so that others could see. i wanted to delete all of the folders so that no one would ever see them again, including me. it was like a giant pimple that i was desperately trying to hide and cover up before anyone saw it. it was a real blow to my self-esteem, and i didn't expect to feel that. i had to talk to my mom about it because it made me so sad. =/

after talking to her for a while and talking to God in a while, i felt a little better. but it took a while. after my two conversations, i came to the conclusion that i don't have to be depressed or embarrassed by those photographs. rather, they can serve as humble reminders. in addition to that, it's also a sign that i've come a long way and that i've learned a lot. my mom tried to make me feel better by telling me that she's proud of me...that i haven't done too bad for someone who's never taken a photography class. that only made me half-smile. i know of a professional photographer who never took a photo class. he was actually an architect til he picked up a camera, started shooting, and realized that he wasn't too bad at it. rules of composition, art, etc. that he learned in architecture school, he now applied to photography. and he's GOOD.

while looking up other photographers' blogs, i came across another photographer who i really liked and was stunned when i read on her bio page that she has never taken a photography class.

it made me feel so....little. so...insignificant. again, so embarrassed and foolish for ever thinking that i was "good."

peter & i talked about this yesterday...there's so much danger in comparing. it takes a great toll on me, personally, but i do it without even realizing it. =/ i need to learn to stop. i need to focus on MY skills, how I can get better. i don't need to worry about anyone else. and i must never lose sight of my goal to honor and glorify God with my photographs...or anything that i pursue for that matter.

peter & i also talked about how somethings the things that we love, the things that we're passionate about actually become burdens. i mentioned that i love photography, but sometimes it feels a chore. it loses its fun & my love for it dwindles. i definitely felt that tonight. & it's not the first time when i felt like giving up photography altogether. but then i realize that i would be crazy. idk, maybe i need a short break from it or something. =/

wow, this blog did not go where i was trying to go.

it was supposed to end on a happy note....a few paragraphs ago.

oh well. w/e. =/ it's late and i need to go to bed.

see you later, world.

photoshoots etc.

ohmyGOSH. i need to start out by saying that i am SO tired.

i've been sleeping late & waking up early.

ugh, it's this cycle again.

i really wanted to sleep at 10pm this week.

but i have so much to do.

& i'm not even in school!

man, this has GOT to be the BUSIEST summer i've ever had.

not that i'm complaining. it's been a really good summer.

i feel good about being productive.

i've been able to do a lot these past few months.

but i'm getting less sleep than i did during the school year.

i'm so tired...

-__________- zzzZZZ

w/e...anywayyyyssss.

you know what's funny? i've been to downtown redlands 4 times in the past 3 days. i hardly ever go there. but these past 3 days, i've been there 4 times. 1) craig's wedding (sunday) 2) sanga & alexa's bday shoot (monday) 3) redlands sewing (today) 4) peter's photoshoot w/ genmai (today)

i feel really familiar w/ the streets there now. x]

had a good time w/ sanga & alexa yesterday. spent the afternoon doing their photoshoot, went to LLA for alexa's volleyball practice, then ate dinner at their house w/ their family. got to know alexa's parents a little better, which was really nice. x]

i don't think i've really mentioned this to anyone before, but i really like spending time with people's families. i like meeting my friends' parents and siblings, and spending time w/ them. it's like i've been let into another world other than my own. i feel like i've been accepted into a special...belonging? idk how to describe it. but it's a warm feeling. :) i get to see the more personal and intimate interactions between my friends and their family members. you know who a person is when they're around their family because they've been with those people ever since they were born. you can't say that about many other people. you're just so much more natural, so much more yourself when you're with family.

i have really good memories hanging out with my friends' families.

...dinner and watching the bachelor pad with the fraziers,

...PUC road trip with the imais & lunch with auntie dee, elissa, & brianna while shadowing at CHLA,

...birthday parties with the peacocks and meeting ambyr's grandparents after night swimming in their pool,

...washing dishes & cleaning up after jon jon's bday party with the debulgados and snowboarding w/ all of the debulgado boys,

...cooking and eating with the mins,

...shopping at south coast plaza with the angeleses,

...house parties with the hutauruks,

...baking at the oshiros,

...dinner at the vassantacharts,

and the list goes on.

those are all really special memories for me. :)

anyways, moving on to today...

peter's been teaching me the drums this summer (when we can fit in lessons with our busy schedules!). when he asked me to take pictures of him & his dog, of course i said yes! it goes without saying that i enjoy taking pictures, but this photoshoot is also a thank-you gift for his time, since he's not charging me for lessons.

we had such a good time this afternoon and evening. peter & his dog are seriously so cute, for lack of a better word. the interactions between a man and his dog are so....i can't say cute again. adorable? intriguing? heart-warming? all the above. i can't think of a single word that encompasses all of that. (let me know if you think of one!) but as i'm looking through the photos from the day, i can't help but smile. it's so cute how much peter cares about his dog. :)

i think that's why i love portraits so much, especially with more than one person. you can sense chemistry, fondness, affection, etc. by looking at a picture. it was a treat for me to witness the bond between peter and his dog today, as well as the cousin chemistry that sanga & alexa have. it's quite endearing. :)

also had a good talk w/ peter tonight. we went to open kitchen for dinner afterwards and enjoyed good food with a nice breeze outside. i always have good conversations with that kid. :)

oh SHOOT i spent way too much time blogging.

i have to get through another round of filtering pictures before i go to sleep. =/

aggh,

not enough HOURS in the day, i'm TELLING you!!

g'night world!

sleep well tonight.

may the God whom i love so much grant you AND your family peace, grace, and sweet dreams.

:)

love birds.

the hadley's wedding today was SO much fun. :)))

can't wait to put up pictures! i really enjoyed myself!

everything was beautiful, the program was creative, and the wedding was so atypical.

.....which, if you know craig hadley at all, is not surprising. :)

weddings are so much more meaningful when you're close to the people getting married. i was so into every single part of the wedding. not only because i've become really close to craig & kimi and i've met some of their families, but also because i've been "behind the scenes" with their wedding planning. i know how incredibly busy everybody has been planning for this weekend.

this past week, craig was on the phone non-stop finalizing things, making decision, talking to the wedding party, etc. when i'm in the office, i overhear numerous phone conversations about the wedding and craig always talks to me about how busy everything is but how EXCITED he is.

he constantly reminds me the number of days til the wedding..

"ash, 13 more days...13 more days ash til i'm a married man!

...can you believe it?? next sunday, is the big day!

...the days are counting down! 3 more days....3 more days, ash!!!"

and today was finally the day. :)

in a way, i feel like i've been apart of this wedding, and it made it all the more meaningful for me. :)

something that i loved from the homily was when pastor tim said that it wasn't just love that brought them together....God brought them together. that out of the billions of people on earth, he brought those two specific people together. and both craig and kimi nodded their head in agreement. that was extremely special to see and hear. it warmed my heart. :)

it's funny, because when kimi was younger, she swore that she would NEVER be a pastor's wife. hahah, funny how things work out. :)

craig & kimi hadley,

here's to you. :)

i love you both & wish you all the best and God's incredible blessings. :)

love,

ashlee.

ECSTATIC.

!!!!!!!!!!!!! :))))))))))))))

x123456789.

i learned how to watermark using lightroom!!!!!!!!

that seriously just made my life 100x easier!!!!!!!

i tried using iwatermark, the program that andrew recommended. but it doesn't like me for some reason. :( i've spent several hours trying to figure out the kinks and whatnot. my black watermark shows up fine. but for some reason, my white watermark has a white box behind it that shows up on the photo...& that just doesn't fly with me.

BUTTTTTTTTT!! i don't have to worry about that anymore!

because i figured out how to do it on lightroom. :)))))))))

i can sleep easy tonight.

*happy sigh.

i have so many photo projects i've going to work on.

i got even more inspired when i was looking at several photographers' blogs yesterday.

photography is such an art....it really is. it amazes & excites me! i love learning new things about it. and the exciting part is that i have so much to learn!

photo to do list:

+ watermark andi's photoshoot (which i need to do tonight so i can give it to her at church tomorrow).

+ sanga & alexa's birthday shoot on monday.

+ peter's photoshoot w/ genmai (his dog) on tuesday. (my first animal shoot! we'll see how that one goes. animals are so tricky cause they're constantly moving. they're not like humans, who can sit down, pose, and listen to your directions.)

+ blog-type collage of jj.

+ blog-type collage from fiddler on the roof night.

+ finish editing hawaii pictures.

+ craig & kimi's wedding events.

+ all of the misc. photos that i've taken in-btwn.

+ figure out photo decorations for my dorm room!

so much to do! not enough hours in the day!

i need to set aside a day where i can just work on photo stuff....solely photo stuff.

i also need to come up with money so that i can buy a 50 mm f/1.8. it's such a sweet lens.

anyways.....

Daddy,

thank you so much for things that i can be excited about. for things that get my creative juices flowing and for ways that i can express Your incredible creativity. i am nothing without You. my pictures are worthless without Your divine inspiration. thank You so much.

also, thank You for creating things that are worthy of capturing and photographing. it's amazing, the creativity that You have.

i love You, Daddy.

You're pretty much amazing. :)

amen.

*ps. thanks for helping me figure out how to watermark on lightroom! i am seriously so excited about that cause it's going to make my life so much easier!

nervous anticipation.

so tonight began the preparation for the next 7 days.

i'm doing a colon cleanse.

it's really sppsd to be for 10 days,

but i figure that i'm not as old as a lot of the people that have had to do it.

so i don't have as many toxins in my system.

plus, craig & kimi's wedding is in 10 days.

and i can't go straight into eating regular food right after finishing the cleanse.

i have to ease into it a few days before.

so i'm only going to do it for 7 days.

you may ask why i'm crazy enough to do this.

well....for many reasons.

1. LSU caf food. that stuff seriously did weird things to my body. everyday they were serving deep fried stuff for the main course. and they added an incredible amount of cheese to everything. plus they used all processed vegetarian meats, which of course, are extremely high in sodium. i was supposed to do the cleanse after getting out of school. but to be honest, i forgot about it.

and this leads me to reason number 2.

2. at the beginning of summer, i ate out a lot. i had a lot of lunch meetings for Compassio in restaurants or fast food restaurants. plus, i didn't come home til late bc of youthical practices, so i often had to buy dinner....even MORE eating out.

3. when i was in hawaii, we ate out everyday, and we ate a lot. i didn't eat as many fruits and vegetables as i wanted. i usually had meat (whether it was chicken, beef, or fish...mmm ahi tuna!!), carbs (bread, white rice, pastries), and sugar (mmm hawaiian desserts. :)) i wanted to work out and start eating right when i got back, but because of my busy schedule, i wasn't able to go to drayson and, while i have been eating better, it hasn't been outstanding.

therefore,

i am doing the cleanse.

or Master Cleanse (MC) as it's called among the people who participate.

i was reading the book and there are a LOT of good testimonials of what it's done for people.

the obvious one is their health greatly improved because their systems were detoxified...but in addition to thtat, it's helped them lose weight (not pounds, but fat), they felt more energized, they experienced a spiritual journey and received a clarity of mind, some people's skin improved, and one person even get rid of a scar from when they were young! other little things happened too, like their mouth and breath smelled better...stuff like that.

but during these next 7 days, i cannot eat anything at all. i have to take laxative tea in the evening. in the morning when i wake up, i have to drink 1 quart of water with 2 tsp of non-iodized sea salt. and every two hours, i have to drink this "lemonade" which consists of water, organic fresh-squeezed lemon juice, organic maple syrup (not exactly the kind that you put on pancakes...actual fresh syrup from the maple trees), and cayenne pepper.

i don't want to go into detail, explaining everything about the ingredients, and why each thing is good for you because i'm too tired...maybe i will in the days to come.

man, i'm so scared.

but i prayed about this.

and i asked God to do this with me.

plus, i think it will be good for me.

well.......

here goes nothing.

for the next seven days.

=/

'night world.

enjoy food without me....

mama duties.

mm, my hands still smell like the salsa and guac that i made for dinner. :)

today was such a relaxing day. :) it felt good to sleep in & stay at home for once. i'm always up and out of the house. it felt good to just be at home & take care of stuff. actually, today was officially the first day since summer started that i've been home the ENTIRE day. i didn't go out once! & man, did it feel good after running around this whole summer. :)

last night we had a potluck at william & jeremy's house & i ended up cooking for two hours. but i didn't mind. :) manda hutuauruk came & helped me a little bit (man, i've missed that girl!) she washed dishes that i needed & kept an eye on a second pan of dumplings that was being fried. it felt good to "take care" of everyone's dinner & be appreciated for it afterwards. everything was eaten up and no one got sick, so i guess that's a good thing! haha! :)

i enjoyed it so much last night that i decided to cook dinner for my family tonight & that we would all sit around the dining table & eat together. everything that i made was pretty easy, but it took me forever.

*probably 'cause i was taking my time...and was watching glee on hulu at the same time. x]

idk what time i started cooking, but my mom left for work around 12:30 p.m., and i didn't start too long after she left. i edited pictures & went on fb for only a little bit, then i started cooking. so i might've started around....2 p.m. or so? i planned to prepare stuff for in the afternoon then start cooking when my family was close to getting home. i thought i was going to have a several-hour break, but when i finished preparing stuff, it was already 5:30 p.m., so i had to start cooking! we didn't eat til almost 7 p.m., so basically i was in the kitchen for 5 hours today! that sounds about right, cause i watched every single glee episode that hulu had available. x]

oh! so here's what i made today...

my mom cooked spaghetti noodles for jj this morning since he's always hungry when he comes home from school. but we didn't have any spaghetti sauce. we have a lot of feta cheese, and i've been wanting to use it up, so i looked up a recipe on food network. i found one for greek pasta salad with feta cheese and decided to try it.

after that, i started working on dinner. before she left for work, my mom and i looked in our refrigerators to see what kind of groceries we had. we had red and green bell peppers, onions, mushrooms, carne asada beef, red tomatoes, tomatillo tomatoes, and cilantro that my mom wanted me to use up since it was starting to wilt. so with all of these ingredients, i thought of the obvious answer...fajitas!! i searched through our fridges real quick just to make sure that we had tortillas...and low and behold...for some reason, our family has like 4 bags of them! x] so with that, i set off to work. i cut the bell peppers and onions to later be stir-fried, cut up the meat into good fajita chunks and made the marinade for it, utilized the two different kinds of tomatoes for salsa fresca, and decided to make a homemade guacamole as well.

jj helped me clean & set the table so that the house would look clean when my parents got home. they were very appreciative of that and the dinner. :) we all sat around the table and ate and prayed together, which we hardly EVER do! so that was really nice. :)

my mom made almond jello the other day, so we ate that with lychee and watermelon for dessert. it was just perfect. not too sweet, not too heavy. and there wasn't a whole lot of it, so the amount that each of us took was just enough to make us full.

my mom was happy to do the dishes, which i was glad for. i was so tired after dinner, so i just helped put everything away and cleaned out our freezer and cupboard a bit. after that i took a small nap, then took a shower before bringing down the ironing board and i ironed our clothes while watching monk. i planned on cleaning the house today, but didn't get to cause i ran out of time.

*sorry if you read all that and were completely bored out-of-your mind, yawning & thinking, "ash, i do that stuff all the time at home. that's nothing special." i seriously haven't been home this summer, so i haven't been able to do any of that stuff. and during the school year, i'm not at home cause i live in the dorm. when i come home on the weekends, i'm usually busy studying or am out somewhere else. so i don't do any of this. it felt really nice to be able to do it today and give my mom a break. :) she's packing some of the pasta that i made for jj for his lunch tomorrow, so i'm glad that she doesn't have to worry about that.

i should go sleep. i need to wake up early and get my TB skin test done before i go to work.

*yawns.

g'night world.

hope you had a good day today.

:)

andi's senior portraits.

i am seriously so excited!

the photoshoot went really well today!

while we didn't go to the location that we were

originally planning on, we found a really nice spot at a different beach. i was so excited when we walked down the stairs from the road & i saw GIMONGOUS waves. i thought "wow, if she wants to stand in front of them, i could get some REALLY nice shots of huge waves behind her right before they crash!" & she was excited too. :)

so yeah, everything went really well!

....minus a few mishaps..

one of them including me being scared to death cause i thought that andi was in serious danger.

i was shooting with her and i standing in the water. everything was fine until one of the huge waves that i once stood in awe of caught her by surprise and completely enveloped her. she got soaking wet but we thought she was going to be okay.

however, a few seconds later, another HUGE wave came along and did the same thing.

but this one knocked her down in the water. and since the waves were so huge, it also dragged her away from shore. i seriously lost visual of her for a few seconds, which was extremely scary.

she kept on trying to recover, but wave after wave kept on coming, and before i knew it, she was like 30 feet away from me.

i looked out at her and felt sickly worried to see a panicked look on her face with her arm reaching out, trying to struggle to get back to shore before being pulled out even farther.

i was so freaked out...i didn't know what to do. i wanted to dive in after her but i

was in shock from getting wet myself, and plus i had a camera in my hand. on top of that, the lens wasn't mine. i was stuck and panicked.

*sharp exhale*

thankfully the strong waves soon gave out and more mild ones took their place, allowing her to come back to shore.

praise God that she' s okay. i was seriously EXTREMELY worried.

also, thankfully there were another adults around. when one of them realized what was happening, he ran over to us, ready to go in the water if necessary, but she had already come out. i was relieved to know that if something had happened, God had provided other people who were capable of helping.

*sigh*

i have a taste of what it must have felt like to be under the power of the water. while i was shooting, several waves caught me by surprise and i was not expecting the amount of force that they had. they didn't get past my waist, but i certainly felt their power, especially when they were receding. i can't even imagine what she was feeling being completely immersed in it.

andi came out of the water, putting on a brave face, laughing, and saying that it was scary then, but when she looks back on it, it was actually fun. she shrugged it off saying that it wasn't so bad; she's been swept away by currents many times before.

.....

that silly girl.

she's always the daredevil.

scared me half to death.

idk if she knows how genuinely scared i was.

to be honest, i might have nightmares about it.

*sharp exhale again*

i just keep on thanking God that everything's okay.

my brand new pink parasol that she used was totally thrashed when she went under,

but hey.....i'd take andi over a parasol ANY day of the week.

on a happier note,

i am so pleased that chelsea's 50 mm did its job today. bc the aperture can go down to 1.8, it allowed me to take kinds of pictures that my 18-55 can't. i was amazed at how much i liked the depth of field in a lot of the photos! i seriously need to get my hands on one!! i need to find one with a good price though. =/

another thing that i'm super happy about is light room 3. :))))) that program is seriously A-MA-ZINGGGGGG. i can't believe i was without it all this time!! i'm so impressed with all of the capabilities and functions that it has. the way that the creators programmed it will seriously make my life 10x easier when editing! ahhh!! :)))) it was well worth my money!!

i haven't edited any of the pictures at all,

but here's a small teaser:

a third exciting thing is that tonight, for the first time, i used the tablet that robert gave me for my birthday last year. i got so many ideas for how i'll use it in the future...

my head is just swimming with giddyness & inspiration. :))

God answered my prayer, i guess. :)

anyways, i'm headed off to bed.

g'night world. :)