but these past few days, they're all that have been coming out.
to ______, ______, & ______.
do i really not matter to you anymore? cause that's how i've been treated. i've put in the effort & i've gotten zero response. zero. okay, maybe .5. this hurts more than you know. & that's what makes it worse. you don't & won't know.
did you know that i cried over you the other night? i had a 45 min. conversation on the phone w/ my mom. she had to comfort me while i weeped my eyes out. but nope. you have no idea.
& what happened to all our talks this summer? were those in vain? am i not important to you anymore?
i'm so tired of feeling like this.
this past week has been so emotionally draining.
just ask heiba. she's had to listen to me vent to her on more than several occasions.
i freakin' hate it.
GET ME OUT OF THIS.
or change me so that i won't care anymore.
i was telling moshi & 'bang tonight that i'm becoming the person that i never thought i'd be: afraid to love/be loved again.
this past week has been SO HARD.
you have no idea.
it's hurt me in a way that i didn't think was possible.
i never ever thought i'd say this,
but i'm scared to be cared for.
& i'm scared to care again.
bc you might go away just like they did.
& i never want to experience this hurt again.
so _______, please don't take this personally, but if it seems that i'm distant, it's because i'm scared that you care about me so much. i'm afraid that we'll become such good friends, i'll put so much into our friendship, & then you'll go away & i'll feel the way that i'm feeling right now.
i am NOT down for that.
not. at. all.
i'm scared of daily "goodnight" txts.
i'm scared of hugs.
i'm scared of quality time that will bring us so much closer.
i'm scared of letting my heart go again.
bc i did once & it came back to haunt me.
i hate crying.
i'm really tired of it.
& i feel so stupid for doing it so many times this week.
stop it, ashlee.
stop it.
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