Saturday, October 31, 2009

just write it out.

i don't like weepy-eyed desperate sounding things that get into my head.
but these past few days, they're all that have been coming out.

to ______, ______, & ______.
do i really not matter to you anymore? cause that's how i've been treated. i've put in the effort & i've gotten zero response. zero. okay, maybe .5. this hurts more than you know. & that's what makes it worse. you don't & won't know.
did you know that i cried over you the other night? i had a 45 min. conversation on the phone w/ my mom. she had to comfort me while i weeped my eyes out. but nope. you have no idea.
& what happened to all our talks this summer? were those in vain? am i not important to you anymore?

i'm so tired of feeling like this.
this past week has been so emotionally draining.
just ask heiba. she's had to listen to me vent to her on more than several occasions.
i freakin' hate it.
GET ME OUT OF THIS.
or change me so that i won't care anymore.

i was telling moshi & 'bang tonight that i'm becoming the person that i never thought i'd be: afraid to love/be loved again.
this past week has been SO HARD.
you have no idea.
it's hurt me in a way that i didn't think was possible.
i never ever thought i'd say this,
but i'm scared to be cared for.
& i'm scared to care again.

bc you might go away just like they did.
& i never want to experience this hurt again.
so _______, please don't take this personally, but if it seems that i'm distant, it's because i'm scared that you care about me so much. i'm afraid that we'll become such good friends, i'll put so much into our friendship, & then you'll go away & i'll feel the way that i'm feeling right now.
i am NOT down for that.
not. at. all.

i'm scared of daily "goodnight" txts.
i'm scared of hugs.
i'm scared of quality time that will bring us so much closer.
i'm scared of letting my heart go again.
bc i did once & it came back to haunt me.

i hate crying.
i'm really tired of it.
& i feel so stupid for doing it so many times this week.

stop it, ashlee.
stop it.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

paper.

excuse typos or flaws that you find. i was pressed for time. =/

but you get the gist of it. :)


Ashlee Sumilat

ENGL 111-3

Narrative Final Draft

9 October 2009

Breathtaking scenery? Check. Best friends? Check. Sleepy eyes? Three times check. A few of my best friends and I are sitting in a circle underneath a large, white wooden cross atop one of Mt. Rubidoux’s peaks admiring the city from a different perspective and soaking in the beautiful sight. The morning sun is just rising, waking up the wildlife of Riverside, California on this balmy early-June morning. Moments earlier, the sky was fairly dark and all of the local building lights and city lights were on, transforming the scene before us from a typical, ordinary city to a beautiful black canvas dotted with different-colored glistening jewels. I’m completely captivated by it. But it was no easy trip coming up here to see this. I personally woke up at 4 o’clock this morning since we were supposed to meet at my friend’s house around 4:30 or so, making my slumber a grand total of three hours, maybe even a little less. My friends are suffering from the same amount of shut-eye, or, rather, lack thereof. We had to rush to get here because we wanted to beat the sun before it rose, and we left later than planned. The hike up wasn’t particularly enjoyable either. All of us took the shortcut, meaning that we scaled the mountain, opposed to walking up the paved path, and most of us were short of breath trying to make it to the top in time. But we’re here now, and this beautiful scene is our reward. Today is the day that we leave high school behind and we’ve chosen to celebrate it with each other in this way.


To an outsider, my group of friends and I may seem like any other high school bunch of teenagers that eat lunch together everyday and hang out on the weekends every now and then, but we are much more than that. Throughout this past year, we’ve shared our hearts and thoughts with each other while grabbing food from Ricebox or Maki Yaki, two of our favorite regulars. We’ve shared many similar interests and hobbies such as photography, volleyball, and music. There have been many times when we’ve casually gone places not expecting much--“Hey, wanna go to Yogurtlicious? Or the Mins’ house?”--and for hours spent time together, laughing and creating numerous inside jokes, establishing that event as the highlight of the week. When the good times came, we celebrated together, and when bad times rolled around, we prayed for each other until they passed. Our parents knew each person on a name-to-name basis and weren’t surprised when their house was suddenly and spontaneously filled with six or seven teenagers walking through the door saying, “Hi Auntie! Hi Uncle!” These people that I spent so much time with this year are very near and dear to my heart.


While trekking the hills behind Hulda Crooks Park in Loma Linda during one of our regular early-Sabbath-morning hikes, one of my friends suggested that we as a group get together a breakfast picnic basket during graduation weekend, climb Mt. Rubidoux, and watch the sunrise. That was several months ago, or perhaps just one month ago (I honestly can’t remember). I was skeptical as to whether or not my friend’s plan would actually come through, but here we are (most of our group anyway), graduation day, sitting on a few boulders at the top of Mt. Rubidoux watching the sunrise together. The only thing that’s missing is the breakfast picnic basket.


We all enjoy the peaceful atmosphere for a few minutes before one of my friends speaks up. He suggests that we go around the circle one-by-one and “share our troubles with each other.” With a unanimous agreement, he starts it off by talking about a few things that have been on his mind recently and then goes on to the next person.


I sit and listen to the prayer requests of my friends as they talk. Their requests range from a variety of different subjects, such as family problems and spiritual concerns, but most of them are, understandably and not surprisingly, about college: fears and anticipations, financial concerns, and the like. For so long we’ve thought and talked about college, but today legitimatizes the fact that it is indeed a reality approaching soon.


One of my friend’s “testimony” of sorts is filled with tears as he reminisces about how unhappy he was at the high school attended last year and how incredibly happy coming back to our school for senior year made him. He shares how appreciative he is of our friend group and how we are more like family to him than anything else. His sentiment is heart-warming and makes me misty-eyed. This is the first time I’ve seen him cry in a while, and the fact that he chose to let down his guards and truly be himself for a few minutes created a sense of intimacy and bonding between all of us.


The circle comes to me and it’s my turn to share. My concern/prayer request, too, is about college, but it’s different from everyone else’s. See, all of them, or at least 90 percent of them, are going to the same college. I am one of the few that is not. Originally, I was supposed to go to Pacific Union College with them, but things changed last-minute, so my college plans had to accommodate that change. So I share how upset I am about not being able to be up there with all of them. Missing out on all the inside jokes, being left out of certain experiences and memories, and even something small like not being able to complain about the same teachers is not an inviting prospect to me. With hesitance, I acknowledge the fact that things won’t be the same when we all leave for college, and I truthfully say how much that hurts, especially since I became so close to all of them just this year, so I ask for their prayers of comfort.


The last person shares the things on his mind and heart, and we decide to go around the circle one-by-one and pray for the specific prayer request of the person on our left. Someone is assigned to start and another to end, then we all bow our heads and dedicate each other to God. As we’re all sitting in this circle, fearing the uncertain future together, I can’t help but liken us to an army or a group of soldiers bracing and preparing ourselves for war. A bit overdramatic, I know, but in this moment, we’re recognizing all of the different challenges that we’ll face in the coming year, whether they be academic, spiritual, emotional, or social, and we’re choosing sharing it with each other and with God. The sacredness of the moment gives me chills.


We finish praying and give each other huge hugs while laughing a bit and wiping a few tears from each other’s eyes. One of my friends sets up his tripod and puts his camera on timer before pressing the shutter button and rushing to his designated spot. The camera beeps slowly for a few seconds then a few times rapidly before going off, photographing all of us in our positions. I ask to see the picture on the screen after my friend dismounts his camera from the tripod. He shows it to me and I stare at it, being fully appreciative of the fact that such a contraption exists to help capture what just took place under cross today. I think of the saying “A picture speaks a thousand words” and I can’t agree more. This photograph speaks of a year’s worth of laughter, an hour’s worth of memories, and a lifetime of friendships. They are ones to cherish.

Friday, September 18, 2009

post-ignite.

currently at home after a few days at LSU for ignite.

LSU in a nutshell:
_the longer i'm at LSU, the more i'm convinced that this is where God needed me to be.
_i actually know more people here than i thought i would. made even more friends. social life is good. :)
_need to grab a few more things for the dorm.
_dorm room + room mate = blessings from God. :)
_need to find out where my classes are. =/
_chivalrous guys DO exist.
_family groups = :)
_something said at one of the workshops yesterday:
view life like a race. run towards the things that you value, the things that you hold dear and are important to you. then look around you to see who's running toward the same thing. chances are, that person is the best match for you.

think-notes:
_be more careful.
_"wait on the Lord."
_"pray ashlee and breathe thats what i do when i feel the tension rising" -ML
_think before you speak.

Friday, September 11, 2009

party of pizzas. :)

hey suelynn,
i tried leaving you a comment on your blog,
but it wouldn't let me.
so i was gonna say that i'm gonna miss this too.
being here w/ everyone.
making food together. :)
hearing each other's stupid comments
& contagious laughs.
i seriously love you guys.

john just said:
"in 4 days..."

*sigh*

& sanga,
you just got back.
i don't want to you to leave already!
you JUST got back. :(((
i'm seriously so sad about that.
you don't even know. :(

i'm suffering from a serious case of
a mix happy/sad emotions right now.

there's a million things running through my mind.
but since blogspot is a public thing,
i won't put my personal thoughts up here.
i'll have to keep them to myself for now.

maybe i'll be able to talk to one of my 5's soon?
we'll see.


*sigh*
i'm so confused.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

color prophecy.

i think my mind speaks the language of color.
when a color combination comes to my mind,
it'll show up multiple times in my wardrobe or belongings
not too far down the road.

a few days before ISA,
i really wanted my nails to be
pink, blue, & yellow.
for a couple of days, i put it off doing my nails,
but i kept the bottles out to remind myself.
on the day of ISA when i was picking out my clothes,
i wasn't even thinking about it,
but guess what i wore?
yellow shirt, blue dress, & pink belt.
so i like SUPER matched,
but i promise i didn't plan it like that.
my train of thought for my nails & my clothes
happened at different times.

& the other week,
i noticed that purple, silver, & black go really well together.
i didn't have black,
but i did purple & silver.
guess what i wore today?
black dress layered over a purple dress
with silver sandals.
(at ISA,
i found out that Quest Crew's colors are
black, purple, & silver.
WHOO! :)
those colors were meant to be!)

while remodeling our bathroom,
i had the color scheme
blue, white, & silver in mind.
but along the way,
i was like,
MAN i should've done blue & brown.
then after that,
i started seeing blue & brown everywhere.
i was so sad that i didn't do blue & brown.
today when i was dorm shopping,
i kept on thinking about blue & brown for my bedding stuff.
then low & behold,
i found a comforter.
guess what colors it has?
blue & brown.
w/ hibiscuses. :)

hahhahaha.
i wasn't kidding when i said that my mind speaks the language of color. x]

Monday, September 7, 2009

ABDC.

this is the show that i saw the rehearsal to.

Friday, September 4, 2009

summer lovin'.

its days like these that make me absolutely LOVE summer. :)
so let's recap these blissful summer days, yes?

yesterday:
  • spent QT w/ grandparents. haven't done that in a while. g.pa rode in my car for the first time. x]
  • volunteered at east campus.
  • stater bros. to get nectarines & peaches.
  • min's house to see nic & biff. split a cinnamon roll w/ them. i KNEW i shouldn't have gotten it. wasn't as good as it looked. -_______-
  • weather: florida-like. thunder, felt a few raindrops, a bit breezy. i liked it. :)
  • ambyr came over to min's. drove around for a few minutes w/ john in my trunk. "oh gosh! it's so HOT in here!!" HAHAHHAHAH. x] all i needed was a speed bump to run over.
  • picked up jj from sax lesson.
  • went home to eat a sandwich, drop jj off, & grab my stuff.
  • ambyr's house to clean the outside of my car half-way. x]
  • her grandparents' house to night swim for a while. heart-to-heart. tricep & ab workout. "cyclone." x] water felt good until we got cold.
  • late-night trip to IHOP. spent forever trying to decide what i wanted to eat. & i almost changed it right after i ordered. x] i like nice waitresses that don't get annoyed. my dinner: onion rings, 2 grain&nut pancakes w/ a taste of all the syrups (i took the leftovers home & eat it for b.fast this morning!), garden scramble (scrambled eggs w/ peppers & mushrooms), & 1/2 of ambyr's hash browns. mmm mmm FULL. :)
  • ambyr's house again. spent 30 min. vid. messaging sanga & steven on fb. laughed a lot. :) *dude, i didn't realize how weird i am on camera when i'm hyper. oh gosh it's scary. for those of you who saw it....just erase that from your memory. heh.
  • cautiously drove home w/o a license.
& today:
  • picked up matt in grand terrace.
  • picked up kak jane at UCR.
  • found out that kak jane & i actually met before. she came to my church once! & i helped her prom date shop for a vest & tie. small world. :)
  • tapioca express to get free drinks. watermelon juice. :)
  • got lost a little bit on the way to our destination. thankfully an orang tua at the gas station helped us out. kak jane gave him 75 cents when he asked for change.
  • arrived at WB lot. waited in line for 2 hours. front of the line. surprisingly saw a few familiar faces. entertained ourselves by making friends. 1) meet: kevin aka kay k. DUDE. he has CONNECTIONS. he's friends w/ the people from fanny pack, quest crew, boxcuttuhs, we are heroes, & a bunch more. he even did a mix for one of the competitions. cool guy. 2) meet: becca & amber. 2 ladies from the bay area. they were really nice. :) 3) meet: ashley (heeeey! :)), mike, & daniel. asian teenagers from santa clarita, rancho, & seattle!
  • STARSTRUCK:
  1. stood literally 2 ft away from 2 people from fanny pack for like 30 min. i could've bumped into them. it was the black girl & one of the tall white guys..will..something? forgot his name. WHOOPS. & the girl was carrying a bunch of Fanny Pack fanny packs..purple & aqua. agggh i wanted one so bad! matt & i wanted to ask her for one. x]
  2. saw Strikers All Stars crew come into the line we were standing in. a bunch of black guys wearing bright colors, elaborate ed hardy designs on jackets & hats, gold chains, & walking in w/ swag? not conspicuous at all. HA. x] i just watched them on youtube. they are freakin TIGHT. look them up if you don't know who they are. strikers all stars.
  3. saw the guy that played the police officer in seventh heaven.
  4. walked by george lopez's parking sign.
  5. walked by the stages were they filmed FRIENDS, cold case, batman and robin, ER, the mentalist, & a bunch of other shows & movies. and then of course ABDC STAGE. :)))))
  6. a few girls from Beat Freaks came into the rehearsal. *look them up! total ballers dude. saw the red-haired girl, the oriental girl, & a few others. sat in our section a few rows down. so did Fanny Pack and Strikers.
  • the rehearsal: obviously not the actual taping. but they did tape a few shots w/ us there. "in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...applause." & standing ovation after each crew's done. their first time shooting during a rehearsal. we got to see each dance three times instead of just once since it was rehearsal. so if you missed something the first time, you got to see the next time. this one guy from Massive Monkees made my heart beat a little faster: brysen angeles. :)) i like their routines from the past weeks. We Are Heroes & Rhythm City are totally bomb. i'm totally for them. :) watch the actual show nxt wk! it's a good one. :) my new obsession: ABDC. :)
  • noodle world: dinner.
  • santa anita mall to get something to commemorate tonight since they made us give up our tickets & wrist bands. -__________- yag.
  • fell asleep on the way home while kak jane drove.
  • skyped w/ steven for half an hour. HAHA. steven your dances are so......um.....cute.... :)
oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
these 2 past days have been utterly amazing.
i have pictures from today, but i'm way too tired to look them up. =/
i'll prob. put them on fb cause matt & kak jane want them.

thank you God for them & the people that i got to spend them with.
iloveyou.
amen.