jumbled.

i can't figure myself out. i'm sorry, idk why i still feel this way. ik that i'm hurting you...
i just...ugh. idk. i racked my brain tonight trying to figure out why. it honestly doesn't make sense...& it's not like me. but i am...& it is...

i'm so sorry..
please be patient w/ me.
maybe one day it'll be better.

[don't] rock the boat.

just when life was figured out,
curveballs were thrown at me.
just when i was content/satisfied/happy again,
something just had to rain on my parade.
i was almost expecting it,
but i really hoped that it wouldn't happen.
oh well.
at least i called it.

//

uncle jose,
the church was filled with tears on friday at your memorial service. i, too, found myself crying a lot. i wasn't super close to you, but my family means a lot to me. your death left them in a LOT of pain...i don't think you understand how much. auntie myrtle hasn't eaten in the two weeks since you died. your 8-year-old pride and joy has no father to guide him. i saw the numerous pictures of you two...you & jordan, i mean. you must have loved him a lot. i could see it in the pictures. he loved you a lot too. he still does. it's going to take him & auntie myrtle a long time to learn how to cope.

it was very strange seeing a picture of your face on the memorial service program, more like surreal. i'm used to seeing you attend memorial services, not be the cause of them. & it almost made me sick to my stomach when i saw your body in the casket. that sight confirmed everything..the fact that you truly are gone. that your life has ended. *sigh* you were so young, uncle jose...only 48. jordan needs a father. auntie myrtle needs a husband. i can't even imagine all the pain that she's dealing with. it's not like it was a divorce where she stopped loving you and you went away. she loved you so much and you were taken away from her...the both of you were celebrating your wedding anniversary in hawaii, in fact, along with jordan & oma. your leaving her was so unexpected...she wasn't prepared. this has hit her so hard.

uncle jose, it was so hard to see my family hurt so much. i know that your side of the family was in a lot of pain as well. i cried when i heard your mom wail and cry over your body after everyone had left, & i saw your brothers cry as well. but you really made an impact my family when you were here with us. opungs, aunties & uncles, cousins, nephews & nieces on my side of the family said beautiful things about you at the service. it almost seemed like my side of the family was more sad than yours. i know that that isn't true at all, but i say that to make a point as to how much my side of the family loved you. you really made a big impression on my family. they really miss you.

my whole family is praying for Jesus to come soon so that they can see you again. they're longing with all of their hearts for that day. i am too...i want my family to stop hurting...& i want to get to you know you better. i'm thankful that we'll have plenty of time for that. :) i can't wait for it. i want to hear all about your trips with auntie myrtle & jordan, all of the good times that we've all had together, and of course, all of the cars that you've repaired. ;)

rest in peace, uncle jose.
until Jesus comes.
you are greatly loved and missed.

christmas break thus far.

so far, i've only had one day where i sat at home and did absolutely nothing.
everyday has had something to do or somewhere to go.
i like it like that. :)
so much to do though!

so far:
FRIDAY:
+ the fall [haven't been THERE for forever].
+ went to steven's house to welcome him home.

SATURDAY:
+ xmas party for the residents at inland temporary homes. *double rainbow that day!
+ farewell xmas party for the humanitech students.

SUNDAY:
+ errands w/ mom.
+ joshua tree w/ ambyr, steven, andrew lloren, & jon min.
+ in-n-out.

MONDAY:
+ took care of stuff at home.
+ went to steven's to cook. [saw mikee & ambyr at separate times on the way there]
+ cinnamon roll night! +potato cheddar broccoli soup...but we can forget that part.

which leads us to...
TODAY:
+ drove to rancho to shadow auntie angie, a pediatrician.
+ LA + diamond bar w/ steven and 4 other friends [3 of them from andrews]
+ wal-mart to scan cue photos

& now the rest of my busy week...
WEDNESDAY:
+ check-up at my dad's dental office
+ check the photo spot for heibs' photoshoot
+ JJ's band concert
+ hang out w/ my glendale friends
+ paint ambyr's room? if there's time?

THURSDAY:
+ heiba's photoshoot
+ newsletter meeting

FRIDAY:
+ shadow auntie angie again, except at a clinic in upland

SATURDAY:
+ something secret. :)))

SUNDAY:
+ lori's wedding! :)

& during this week, i need to/want to:
+ finish jj & leisa's banquet pictures
+ work on christmas stuff
+ clean my room
+ read "eat this, not that"
+ read my photography book
+ pick up a photoshop book from B&N
+ send my picture off to Yogurtland
+ test out my fish eye lens that's coming in a few days! already been shipped! :)

among other things.

i like being productive. :)
just gotta learn how to manage everything.


..i should be sleeping.
but i'm not tired.
=/

stardust + life.

+ tonight: went w/ ambyr, jon min, steven, & andrew l. to joshua tree to see the meteor shower. turns out, that the meteor shower wasn't tonight, but we saw at least a good 15-20 meteors. the sky was BEAUTIFUL...clear w/ a MILLION stars. it looked like God had a handful of stardust, threw it across the canvas of the sky, and didn't clean it up so that we could enjoy. you couldn't see it w/o worshiping Him. breahtaking.

+ PHOTOSHOP. there's so much that i want to learn! i wish i was taking the class at LSU this quarter. :(((( but no room in my schedule! agh. :( i feel like i could do so much better if i knew about all of the available resources and how they work. i feel so...inhibited right now. :( i want to learn! somebody teach me? :(

+ got the second Glee CD today, & am enjoying it to the fullest. the people on that show are honestly SO TALENTED. i'm absolutely amazed.

+ The Shack is teaching me a lot about God. i look forward to reading it every night. next book: Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.

+ i've recently developed a genuine thirst for learning. ask me about it later. i have so much to share. :)
God is good,
ALL the time.
even when it doesn't seem like it.

*pray hard for my family please..my auntie's going through a lot. she just lost a husband & my 6-year-old cousin just lost a father. :*((( there is much stress & grief in my family right now.

hahahaha. :)

*from an email from LSU:

Researchers at Loma Linda University confirmed Harvard University research that found that laughter has the following beneficial effects on the human body:
1. "T-cells" are increased, allowing you to combat infection better. The nervous system and endocrine system are directly related to the immune system, hence, they all benefit. Continued humor usage contributes to a strengthened immune system and helps fight off future illnesses.
2. Lowering of blood pressure.
3. Decrease in sed rate, indicating a reversal of the inflammatory process.
4. Pain reduction in muscles. Laughter exercises the muscles in the diaphragm, abdomen, respiratory system, face, arms and back. Think of it as a mini-aerobic session.
5. Good for the digestive system. Perhaps it's best to play out the reversal of that. Think about how your stomach and intestines react when you are stressed, nervous or angry. Enough said.
6. Increases energy.
7. Reduces the need for prescription drugs, especially anti-depressants.
8. Reduces anger and anxiety. You feel empowered , more in control of your emotions, it "lightens" the environment around you and increases productivity. Helpful in the workplace and at home.
9. Improves self-esteem dramatically and promotes a more positive outlook.
10. Enhances the ability to learn and retain that learning. Good news for anyone.
11. Allows for a more restful sleep and a brighter outlook upon awakening.
12. Frequent laughter has a cleansing effect on the body, similar to deep breathing.

http://www.byregion.net/articles-healers/humorhealing.html

new directions.

i can't even BEGIN to tell you what today was like. if i had to give you a quick summary, i'd have to say it was something like...pure inspiration, Divine intervention, & purpose. God totally planned my day out, i have no doubt. it's probably because of my new prayer:

"God, in all that I do today, I want to honor You.

I want to integrate You into everything:

my thoughts, my walk, the way that I talk to people,

the pictures that I take, everything.

I want all of it to honor and glorify You."

and thus,

today.

incident #1: an encounter with Harvey Lee.

incident #2: CNN heroes // new directions.

i've been praying for some sort of direction, and i think God gave it to me today. i think i want to go into the medical field. it's something that i was avoiding, quite honestly. i don't like all the schooling. it seems too hard & too long. i'd have to take a bunch of science & math classes that i loathe. medical students have no lives. they're just constantly studying. and all those MCATs, boards, & whatnot...months of studying & so much to know. SO STRESSFUL. i'm an easily stressed out person.

so while at the gym tonight, i was watching CNN heroes on the TV. i've been waiting for it to air and was pleasantly surprised that i happened to go to the gym the day and time that it was showing. while watching, i couldn't help but notice the camera angles and all of the editing that they did. i was so interested in how they filmed each person's story and how they compiled everything together...snapshots of the featured person's life and work place, the interviews of the people that they helped, just everything. i was so into it.

the plaque that they gave everyone also caught my attention...the material that was used, the font, the size of the text, the placement of the text, what words were chosen to be on the plaque..

as i was running on the treadmill, it struck me that not many people think about the people that helped to make the show...more specifically the camera crew and the designers of the plaque. i thought about how amazing it must've been to go to all parts of the world to film these people, their work, and the people's lives that they've touched. there were heroes from zimbabwe, NY, iraq, new orleans...all over the place! i was imagining how rewarding it must have been for the camera crew to meet and interact with those people and catch it all on camera.

it made me realize that they were producing something that would cause thousands of people to be inspired. there were hundreds of people at the awards ceremony and it was being televised across the country, so hundreds more people would see it. the camera was being used as a means to share something good with the world. i was thinking that television has become so corrupt. there's either a lot of trash or the news is telling depressing stories. but this show, CNN heroes, brought hope that there's still good left in the world. and it couldn't have been done with cameras.

that train of thought led me to think that God can use my camera to do something good. i've been noticing that it feels like i've been going full throttle with photography and editing and such. i'm actually kind of surprised at how much i've been pursuing it. i mean, i know that i loved it a while ago, but it's been becoming...part of me. i don't quite know how to explain it, but life has become one huge photo op. every time i look at something, i don't look at it as what it is. i see it has a photo spot. the other day i was at UCI and while walking around campus, all these different photo spots were literally SCREAMING out at me. i was so sad cause we had to move fast and i wasn't able to take as many pictures as i wanted. and then a few days ago, i was looking at the costco cookbook that they give out for free every year. i wasn't looking at the recipes. i was looking at the pictures and was paying attention to every single detail that made that picture...the placement of the food, the different utensils used, the colors of the utensils and dishes, the use or absence of placemats, which direction the lighting came from, you get the picture. and yesterday while driving home from church, i took notice of how wonderful the lighting was at this certain place, so my brother and i went home to change, then we drove back to the place so that i could have a quick photoshoot before the sun set.

i'm not kidding, photography has become my LIFE. i never knew what a passion was until recently. photography is my PASSION. and it's weird, cause it almost feels like...it's not me that's taking or editing the pictures and pursuing this full-speed. it feels like Someone Else is. like...He's somehow preparing me to use my skills/passion for something for Him. that's honestly what it feels like. and i know that that sounds crazy and you probably won't believe me, but i'm speaking the honest-to-goodness truth. it feels like God is going to use my photography for His purpose. and i'm really happy about that because that's what i started praying last week. i've started to pray before my photoshoots. i pray that my pictures will glorify God and that they will bring honor to Him. and now, it just feels like...idk. it's just not me that's taking or editing the pictures. it feels like He is. i'm just the means as to how the finished product comes out.

i had a conversation with my friend a few weeks ago and something that he said has been ringing in my head. he said that the medical field is an amazing opportunity for ministry. there're medical mission trips to go and help people. and in the health field, you sort of "heal" people, and that opens up doorways to share Jesus. people wonder how you can do that. it starts conversations and presents opportunities to share your faith. (i suppose there are a lot of jobs not in healthcare that can do that, but just humor me.)

that got me to thinking that if i went into healthcare, that would give me an opportunity to go on a medical mission trip. and after watching Patch Adams and tonight's CNN heroes, i realize that sick people just need something to make them smile. they need hope. they need distractions from their sickness. they need to be happy.

enter Keeka, my camera. pictures make people smile. photoshoots distract from bad things. have you ever taken a picture of a little kid and showed it to them? they'll immediately say "take more, take more! take a picture of me doing this!" then right after you snap the picture, they'll run up to you, anxious to see the finished product. pictures not only capture smiles, they create smiles. it's kind of a crazy plan, & who knows it might not work out, but this is just me thinking: if i ever went on a medical mission trip, i would bring my camera to take pictures of the patients. i would use photography as a means to allow them to stop thinking about their illness for a while and just enjoy life for a few moments again.

i've been praying so long for direction, for God to somehow hint at what He wants me to do.

then that prayer got revised into "God, show me how I can most glorify You with my life and my occupation. How can I best serve you?"

I think He's slowly revealing that to me.

and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

:))))

"aim high and glorify God in all that you do."

-mom.

oh, life.

haven't updated in a while.

mostly because i've been too busy.

but partly bc i don't want to.

i feel like every time i come on blogspot,

i'm venting about something.

i guess, not all the time actually.

but every time i think about coming on blogspot,

it's to vent.

& i don't like that.

i don't want to write only when i'm upset.

but idk.

i don't really feel like writing when i'm happy.

actually...no, that's not true either.

i do feel like writing when i'm happy.

i guess i just...choose not to.

ah i'm rambling.

but it's partly bc i don't want to talk about what i'm upset about. =/

maybe i just won't.

maybe i can just leave it at this.

...

hmmm.

we'll see how this works out.

but let's end on a positive note, shall we?

*i LOVE photoshop. :)

i'm learning to do so many things...

& i still have so much more to learn.

that's an exciting prospect, no? :))